Needs and Wants

People often make the mistake of believing that needs are the same as wants. But the reality is that they represent two completely different concepts.

A need is something that is built into each organism. It refers to the inputs required for the organism to survive…to simply exist. For some organisms, needs might include sunlight, water, and nutrient-rich soils. For others, needs can involve more complex things like air with a specific ratio of gases, foods with certain micronutrients, and protection from the elements. Whether simple or complex, needs must be fulfilled in order for the organism to live. It’s not a choice. It’s a requirement.

Wants are something different. Wants are more powerful. Wants refer to the active decisions we make when we choose to include something or someone in our lives. It’s the ultimate act of agency because they reflect those things that each individual chooses to have in their lives, rather than those things that biology imposes upon them.

And the difference between needs and wants becomes extremely clear when viewed from the perspective of human relationships.

Humans are complex organisms, both physiologically and psychologically.

We need to have clean sources of water to survive, otherwise our bodies become dehydrated. We need to consume micronutrient-dense foods to survive, otherwise our bodies shut down due to starvation. We need to find ways to protect our bodies from the elements to survive, otherwise our bodies succumb to the summer sun or the winter cold. We need these things to simply continue living.

And as humans, we also need other people in our lives because we are social creatures. The need for human companionship, whether as friends, family, or significant others has been built into us from an evolutionary perspective.

When we are born, humans lack the capacity to care for themselves, so they need family to help them survive until they are old enough to make it in the world on their own. And as we grow older, we need other people to help stimulate us intellectually and emotionally. The presence of other people in our lives provides us with the spiritual “manna” that enables us to mature into competent adults capable of sustaining meaningful relationships with other people.

But while the need for human companionship is built into us as a species, we actually have a significant amount of agency in this process, because we can choose the people we want to have in our lives.

“Wait,” you might ask.  “What about family? We can’t choose our families.”

And in some ways, this is true. As infants and as children, we have no active role in choosing the families into which we are born. Some of us are blessed to have been born into families with loving, supportive, and emotionally mature role models who help us to develop into responsible adults capable of forming meaningful relationships with others based on honesty, integrity, and communication. And there are just as many of us who have had the misfortune of being born into toxic families where disrespect, dysfunction, and discord prevent us from developing the emotional maturity and intelligence needed to function as responsible adults.

The difference is that as we get older, we get to pick and choose the people we want to include in our lives and as part of our families. For some of us, this might be the biological parents who raised us from birth, while for others, this might refer to the people who have served as spiritual and emotional parents in place of the ones who’ve consistently let us down in life. In either case, we get to decide what family means for each of us.

And the same is true when it comes to romantic attachments. In the ideal world, it would be nice for each of us to find our one true soulmate and live happily ever after. But the reality is that a romantic attachment represents a want rather than a need.

As a woman, I don’t need a man to make me feel complete. I don’t need a man to talk down to me about the intricacies of home repairs or financial investments. I don’t need a man to provide me with sexual fulfillment. I’m already a complete human being on my own. I was complete before I met him, and I’ll be complete after he’s disappeared from my life if he doesn’t have the right stuff to make it in a lifelong relationship with me. If I’ve gotten through the majority of my life without his presence in my life, then I’ll get along fine without him. I don’t need him.

But it would be nice to have a man by my side who shares the same values as I do. Someone who wants to grow with me. Someone who wants to learn and experience new things with me. Someone who wants to take the time to talk with me and listen to what I’m saying. Someone who values my presence in their life. Someone who isn’t afraid to work through conflicts in our relationship using open and honest communication. Someone who wants to share in and celebrate our successes together. Someone who wants to support me and wants my support when we are facing difficulties. This is the kind of man that I want to have in my life.

The problem is that it’s very hard to find someone like this.

We live in a world where people want all of the benefits of being in a “relationship” without actually having to put in the hard work needed to make it successful.

We live in a society of conveniences, where instant gratification, fast solutions, and minimal effort often take priority over depth, patience, and meaningful connections. Whether it’s ordering dinner online or shopping for toiletries on Amazon, everything in our lives has been designed to be easy and efficient…but often at the expense of quality, authenticity, and resilience.

It has paved the way for people to take the easy road in life, one that caters to their own self-serving needs and wants using a combination of deception, half-truths, and moral compromise. Rather than doing the right things in life, people these days are more apt to choose what’s most convenient for them, even at the expense of hurting those who have placed their trust in them.

Instead of fighting for something because it’s worthwhile, people will run away when things get tough, never staying around long enough to see how beautiful it can be to share in the creation of something lasting and enduring.

Instead of engaging in constructive conversations to clarify points of confusion or to resolve conflict, people will run away from communication while labeling a discussion as an argument, never staying around long enough to actually work on a mutually agreeable solution.

Instead of taking accountability for their own actions, whether good or bad, people will shift the blame to others rather than acknowledge the impact of their words or actions on others.

In short, we live in a world where people have become too lazy to invest their time, energy, and heart into building meaningful connections and lasting relationships with each other. As a consumer society, we are more apt to throw away something when it’s “broken” instead of taking the time to “fix” it. This is true of both people and things.

And when this happens, we miss out on the truly special people who have chosen to become a part of our lives. These are the people who have chosen us because they want us to become part of something larger than themselves. Something more beautiful, more meaningful, and more fulfilling than what they envision life will be like alone, as a single person…a shared purpose that transcends individual desires to create something larger than what each person can accomplish on his or her own.

When these people come into our lives, we are often too busy with work, social obligations, or the distractions of daily life to recognize their presence and the gifts they offer us. We would rather make another dollar, buy/sell another house, or work just one extra hour instead of spending time with them, getting to know them better, listening to their stories, acknowledging their feelings, sharing a special moment or two with them, creating new memories, or building a lasting relationship with them.

We take what they have to offer us and then give nothing back in return. We use them until they have nothing left to give and then wonder why they no longer have the same warmth, energy, or love they once did.

People who are too afraid or too lazy to put in the effort to build a meaningful relationship with this type of person, particularly one who has chosen them to be a part of their lives, don’t realize what they lose out on by opting for the easy route - the path of convenience, complacency, and self-interest.

They fail to see that real interpersonal connection requires effort, vulnerability, and a willingness to give as much as they take. By choosing the superficial over the substantial, they miss out on the depth, the growth, and the profound fulfillment that only comes when truly investing in another person. And in the end, they are only left with emptiness, wondering why their relationships lack meaning, never realizing that it was their own unwillingness to engage with another human being that ultimately led to their loneliness.

They don’t see the power that comes from having a person choose them to be a part of his/her life. They don’t realize the privilege that comes with having been wanted rather than needed. They don’t understand how special it is to have been chosen to share that sacred space in another person’s heart, where all of their secrets, dreams, and deepest vulnerabilities are kept.

They take for granted the trust that has been placed in them, failing to recognize that being chosen is not a burden but a gift - one that should be cherished, nurtured, and reciprocated. Instead of honoring this connection, they let it slip away, blind to the rare and beautiful opportunities that they have been given. And by the time they finally understand what they had, it is often too late…the person who once chose them has moved on, taking their love, their trust, and their dreams with them.

When someone chooses you to become a part of his/her life, don’t take it for granted. You either want to make the relationship work with them, or you simply need to be honest with yourself and start working to become the kind of person who is capable of truly valuing that connection. There’s no room for half-measures, half-ass efforts, or complacency in meaningful relationships. If you’re not ready to invest the time, energy, and care that a real connection requires, then the responsibility is on you to reflect, grow, and understand what is holding you back. Love and companionship should never be treated as conveniences…they are gifts that deserve to be nurtured, respected, and reciprocated.